If she died tonight,
What would you still see?
The image of an effortless beauty?
Would you remember the magic in those finger tips?
Or the mystery in her eyes like the moons eclipse?
Could you still see the love in her eyes before she went to sleep?
Could you still feel the care in her touch on your fleshly washed cheek?
Could you ever imagine something so effortless?
Find those moments again that made you feel breathless.
If her face was no longer in bloom,
If colour in her cheek no longer ranged like a flume.
Would everyday carry on the same?
Would your love still be that endless flame?
The cycle of life still moves on,
But her light no longer blazes.
If the star no longer shine as bright.
If day break no longer amazes.
If you were to now lay alone,
But by no fault of your own.
Just that fate decided to be cruel,
And smite you as a love struck fool.
Would you ever appreciate what you had?
Or would she just turn out to be your latest fad?
Something you could dispose of so easily,
Your fight to keep her memory alive yet done so feebly.
So watch as her chest moves up and down,
Make sure that smile never fades into a frown.
Make hour with her last an eternity.
And never forget to remember me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
I have to agree with the other two people who have reviewed, that the rhyming and rhythm is very forced. However, I thought that the emotion in this poem was very nice and I liked the words that you used.
Keep writing,
~Crimson
Welcome to YWS!
Alright, firstly my first impression. I loved how it started, but it moved into, as said above, a piece that seemed rather forced. As if you were focusing too much on the rhyming and trying to get it to fit. This is where my biggest advice is for writers of poetry: The poem does not need to be long! Blunt, but truly, the longer you make poems, it seems that the idea generally gets lost at some point, and the emotion gets stretched too far. It also seems to make readers less into it.
This first stanza was simply brilliant. I loved it, you started everything off with a real bang, and a question that really made the reader think, and struck emotion up in me right away. Write more stanza's like this!
The correction is in red, and just a comment that I think this is about where the forcing seems to come into play.
This stanza seems like it needs a little more! Add another line!
This is a perfect example of forcing, weather doesn't work....
You abandoned the rhyming :/
Love this stanza, here I think you get back to the greatness that this started out with.
Last thought, go take a look at some of the punctuation, and maybe shift it around a little. It is inconsistent. Other than that, I have nothing more to say... This is the longest review I've given which is good
Hey you join a day earlier than me! Cool!
In this poem I felt that everything is forced. The rhyming , the story, and the emotion all forced. I feel that you started off with a good idea but something made you feel like you had to keep going even though your idea was still forming. I like where your getting at but don't force it all things has their time so don't rush it.